the end (2019)
By Matthew W.F. Senior
Anything from you is priceless to me. It could be as big as a house; as small as a hug; or as monumental as a promise.
While I do miss George, I understand that all things must, indeed, pass.
it's so surreal,
trapped in this moment now.
sirens cutting through me.
the cold wind hitting my skin.
the rain... i hear it,
i can feel it, i can dream,
my stomach moves,
my mind stays still.
there is a blinding light shining.
i blink and the world is dark for a moment;
and i am in that moment. forever,
you are breathtaking.
i'm running as fast as my mind will let me. remembering their final, hollow words... they told me that it only gets better. they lied. i know we're only human, but we feel... i feel - the same way you showed me. look up, watch me fly... everything is reflected behind my eyes; that's where we live forever. and i really tried. it's true. just listen to your heart - your head overthinks it all, and then it's too late. you must get lost in the moment. moments make up everything. a lifetime is a collection of them, good and bad... so get lost in the moment as you live it. or it's not worth it... one hundred years seems like forever, but it really isn't. be yourself and don't let people get in the way of your standards. stand up for your truth. express yourself, no matter the cost. i think back to the very first time that i met people. i think about the words and emotions that we traded, and how that always changes over time... please, remember me at my best - the seconds where i made you feel something... where i made you feel safe. i promise you that everything will be okay. you know i wanted to do as much as i could before the collapse. for you all. it's so inspiring and transcendent, being provided with vivid, beautiful memories, that you can remember for the longest time; you can think about them whenever you feel empty, and instantly feel better knowing that you are never genuinely alone. it was all planned years in advance - but it wasn't supposed to be like this. i tried so hard to be selfless, but i broke my word, and now i'm trapped in a web that isn't of my own design. it takes courage to admit, but i believe that i'm a truly, genuinely bad person; i am a person. i'll never get the opportunity to be a father. and i'll never get the chance to treat somebody like they're the most important person in the world, or to tell them every single day how much they mean to me. these are things that i do not deserve... i fucked up. and just maybe that's okay.
isn't it scary that sometimes we do things, just because we want to.
This was written in conjunction with the short film 'goya'.
At the time, immersed in a temporary darkness, I believed that this would be the last time that words would flow from me.